When did you realize it wasn’t right? I had to train one morning. He stopped playing me here. Just looked in the mirror. I was staring in the mirror asking if I could retire at 24. Doing what I love for me.
That’s tragic. I always fought myself and won. The fight smiled, but inside I was absolutely you know, losing the war trauma is trauma and your body processes it the same way. If you know my story, you’ll realize that I want to help others that they’re not alone in their sentiments, and that seeking help doesn’t make you weak. We’ll interview Dele Alli today.
Delhi employs me. As England’s coach, I adored him in the number 10 role for Mexico Spurs. Wasn’t Harry Kane running forward, always jogging? I believed it. It was almost like a modern-day Brian Robson or Roy Keane as a box-to-box midfielder, but it has altered since 2018-19.
Delhi’s football performance has declined between mid-2015-16. We’re curious why. I’m worried about him because when I see someone drop off as he has from his abilities, you always wonder what’s going on in the lad’s life. I’m fascinated by him. Still. I think people want to ask the question: what’s happened, Ellie are you, okay, Delhi and his team have contacted out in the last few days to say that it’s the proper time to speak, and we’re certainly happy to welcome him in today to talk about It. It’ll be a very different overlap.
Delhi, welcome to the overlap, obviously I’ll work with you in 2015-16, with England, and certainly observing what’s transpired in the last 12–18 months. The first question after the football is: are you okay? It’s a query. I’ve been asked a lot, but I think this is the first time in a long time that I can say yes and mean it. I’m mentally in the best place I’ve ever been. Feeling good.
I’m injured, but I love football again. I’m doing great. Tell us about your recent six to 12 months. You’re feeling okay now, but you weren’t before. It’s probably time to inform folks what’s been going on.
I’m hesitant to talk about it because it’s recent and I’ve kept it a secret. I’m afraid to talk about it, but I should. After returning from Turkey, I discovered I needed surgery and was in a. I was mentally ill. I chose modern mental health rehab.
I felt ready because they deal with addiction, mental health, and trauma. That’s why you can’t be ordered there. You should know and decide for yourself. It’ll fail. Just being honest.
My cycle was horrible. Um. I relied on harmful things. I was winning every day. You know, going into training and smiling showing that I was happy, but inside I was definitely losing the battle, and it was time for me to change it, because when I got injured and he told me I needed surgery, I could feel the feelings I had when the cycle begins and I didn’t want it anymore, so I went there.
Six weeks there. Everton did great. I’m eternally grateful for their assistance. Whatever occurs, I think they should be upfront, honest, and understanding. That time, I had everything I needed.
I was probably making the biggest decision of my life. afraid to do. I’m glad I did it, but I didn’t expect the outcome. Before you know it, rehab has a connotation, and people don’t want to undertake it. I didn’t realise how much it would benefit me mentally because I was in a bad position.
You know a lot happened when I was kid that I never understood. I never knew when I did stupid things I blamed myself for. Understanding and learning helped me with other things. My blood relatives, you know. Let go of some things and terrible feelings that were keeping me back, so yeah.
I’m laughing. Laughing and smiling is my defence, too. I left treatment three weeks ago. Three weeks ago, and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it this quickly. I suppose I need more time, but I’m in a good place and strong enough to do this.
It’s vital, yet the world is what it is. The tabloids found out and called my team a lot, telling them that they knew I was and stuff and that I may have made decisions in the past when I didn’t care what people thought or being understood. I would have let them write what they wanted and tell their own story, which they do often. You know it’s not real. I want to let others know they’re not alone in their feelings and that they can talk to people.
Helping yourself isn’t weak. That’s strong, so I’m pleased to share my tale. You discussed trauma and self-harm. Can you explain what he was doing that was obviously causing you a problem? I’ve had it for a long time. I think a lot of people do what I did to dull my feelings, whether it was drinking or whatever.
However, if you abuse it and use it improperly to chase or hide from anything, it can cause serious harm. It started with that, and then I became addicted to sleeping pills, which is certainly a common problem. I think it’s happening more than people realise in football, and I hope my speaking out about it might assist people. They work. Our schedule requires early morning training before games.
You had adrenaline. So sometimes taking a sleeping pill to sleep and be ready for the next day is fine, but when your dopamine system is broken like mine, it can obviously have the opposite effect because it works for the problems you want to deal with until it doesn’t. I’ve mistreated them, don’t misunderstand. I quit. I would stop for a few months, but I never addressed the issue.
I got pretty awful and didn’t realise how bad it was, but I never addressed the basis of the problem, which was my childhood. You know traumas. I held onto my feelings and attempted to handle them alone. I didn’t tell anyone because my adopted family done it several times. My brother saddens me.
They would cry and ask me to talk. Tell them what I’m thinking and feeling—I couldn’t because I wanted to handle it alone. I didn’t want to talk. Because they saw me, many helped me. I changed.
I lost myself for a few years and refused all aid. I mean when the family that saved my life cried and asked me to tell them what’s wrong, and I didn’t want to. Not me. Were they aware that you were on the snow? I assume they’d heard about them, but I would swear on anything that I hadn’t taken them, which is part of the problem. I didn’t want help.
Tell myself I wasn’t addicted to them, but I was. Going away and discussing it helped me understand it. I didn’t need support until I couldn’t do it alone, and I think people need to know that’s alright. Humans are stronger. We can do more together than alone.
I mean the stuff you cope with by yourself, but if it’s affecting you negatively and you feel okay, it’s time to get help. I wasn’t weak when I played. Footballers often take sleeping medications. You’d be offered one night before a game always since a player might not sleep due to the buildup and adrenaline, and sometimes after a game when it’s more widespread in the game. Players, right?
Players taking numerous pills at night? Multiple tablets? Where were you with them? It’s scary to think, “Now I’m out of it, and I look back on it like before.” I stopped, but I still had the urge. I’d stay sober for a while, but something would always happen.
Drugs and alcohol would bring back the feelings. I took all this because it works. I took lots. I won’t speak numbers, but it was too much and worrisome. The team’s given to you to sleep, and they do.
I took them during the day, sometimes from 11 a.m. If I’m playing, I’d start early on my day off. If I had the day off and wanted to escape reality, they’re a prescription drug, so I’d have to obtain them. I don’t want to inconvenience you.
Concern and intuitive care will remain. That you’ve been obtaining these medications and access to them from clearly the game, can you just explain to me about that a little bit? I think people will ask it started with a doctor. I was prescribed them to sleep, but they became more. When you desire anything, you’ll find a means to get it outside the game, but you were acquiring them in the game in acceptable numbers at the start. Would you say it was a sleeper at first?
For most folks, that’s fine. You can handle that, that’s all you need, but for me it was fixing something else I didn’t know I could solve, and you hold on to that folks think football’s, you know, don’t get me wrong. Football’s great. I was saved. Football gave me everything, but it’s not as easy as everyone thinks.
You can do a lot intellectually that you couldn’t physically. It’s hard to comprehend until you’re in it. Rejection, even losing a game, is rejection. Be prepared for mental effects. Next day, you must smile.
When did these feelings start? How long did you obviously rehab? Only a few weeks ago, but when did it start to feel? Obviously, I’m thinking back to 2015-16 and then watching you at the World Cup in 18, one of the finest young English talents I’ve seen in a long time. When did you realise it wasn’t right? Mourinho’s tenure was perhaps the saddest time for me. About 24.
I recall a morning session. To train. I looked in the mirror when he stopped playing me. I was staring in the mirror asking if I could retire at 24. Doing what I love for me.
To have a 24-year-old want to retire was painful. That really hurt. I carried that too. It’s been a while. Isn’t it three or four years ago and you’ve carried?
This mentioned sleeping drugs, but were you also drinking heavily? That period. I partied often. Parties were frequent. Because it’s been indicated you’re going off the rails.
You’ve seen tabloid headlines. Have you gone out, partied, and done other things? Before you knew, people were dubbing me a party boy. I suppose people’s opinion of me was really different from my reality, and then I was in a bad place. A lot of things have built up, and I think you know we all have emotions and we think the best thing to do sometimes is to just stuff them down and hide them and lock them away, but over time they just build up, and we’re human and it breaks and it all comes out—and I turned to all the wrong things like I don’t blame Mourinho.
Nobody’s fault. That’s my response. Was wrong, but beyond my control. Traumas were my childhood reality. I’m thankful that it happened then since it could have been a moment when I didn’t feel or have a purpose.
I couldn’t recall my motivation. My purpose? Why I’m doing this so with football, and not just football, simply being young and wanting to live the life I want to live after this and when football’s done gave me something extra to cling on to and another reason to stop so I don’t. I don’t blame anyone. I’ve always been my own hero and worst adversary.
So let’s get into a moment when I need to be more vulnerable and let people understand me because a lot of my difficulties have come from not opening up and letting people in, but that was how I felt comfortable. My life might help you grasp that. I avoided it since letting people in is how they harm you the most. I didn’t let anyone do it and it failed. I guess we all resist change because we’ll lose our identity.
If it works, terrific, but occasionally it doesn’t and you need to adjust things, which was my situation. I’m also afraid of saying like I don’t want people to feel. I want people to feel sorry for me—suffering is trauma, no matter what. If I help one person, they can write whatever they want. Before, folks didn’t know.
I don’t know about your childhood or what’s going on in my life. We know you changed the name on the back of your shirt, which indicated a potential difficulty with your original parents. But tell us about your childhood—something I haven’t talked very much. I suppose a few incidents can offer you a brief understanding. My mom’s frequent houseguest abused me at six.
My mother was an alcoholic, but don’t apologise. I went to Africa to acquire discipline at six. I smoked after being sent back seven. I started selling drugs. An older person told me they wouldn’t stop a kid on a bike, so I’d go around with my football and drugs underneath. That was an 11.
I was hanging off a bridge by a man from the adjacent estate, and after 12 hours, it was like. Amazing parents adopted me. I mean, if God created people, it was them. They’re great. They’ve also benefited me.
You knew when I moved in. I found it simple to open out to myself, but not to them. I strived to be the best kid for them because they might easily get rid of me again. I guess. I played first team professionally at 16.
Then it took off. That’s only three or four years of steadiness in your life. That maybe era between 12 and 15-16 before it sort of went like that again, yeah um I’d say so I mean this is another thing I’m frightened of saying like I don’t want people to feel like. I want people to feel sorry for me because that’s something I can’t accept just within myself, so tell the people won’t say that with what you just told us yeah, you know, I think the fact that you’re opening up and speaking about it, I think people will recognise that this has been caged inside you for 15, 20 years, you said: you’ve been taken to Africa to learn discipline. That implies?
I got in trouble a lot because my mom taught me in rehab that I wasn’t a good kid. I had no rules with the police. My childhood was unstructured. I don’t blame my mother for what occurred because she drank a lot. I think going to this place really helped me understand her and the difficulties she was going through and what she had to cope with, and you getting into rehab now helps me understand myself and your mom’s predicament, since that was all she knew she like?
ever when mom let me go and I got adopted, she and I realised it was what was needed to ever have a shot of living the life I wanted and succeeding since it was only going one way. If I stayed there, my dad, my blood dad, lived in Africa and I was sent to him. For a year. Was it awful? I hated being there.
No objections. You know where I was, but I had to move since my mom had no money. It was obviously the drugs, but there were usually 10 people around your place. After that, the culture changed and I didn’t want to be there. After six months, dad sent me back because I was naughtier.
She still speaks your dad. No, he tried, so he went gone for a while, but he’ll probably come out soon and say some [__], but oh huh. He disappeared, but when I started playing for England, he returned, and I talked to my mum to aid her. No. When I was 18, approximately 18, they went to the papers and accused the family that adopted me of doing all these stuff when they didn’t know what they had.
They made me visit my mum. No way. They always told me she’s your mum, like you, should have a relationship with her, which I think spoke a lot about what they were doing. They were just doing it because they’re amazing people, so my mum and my biological parents went to the press alleging these people were taking advantage of me. They want.
They wanted to go over my contracts, and I hadn’t spoken to him in years. I knew that wasn’t my mom’s decision because I knew she didn’t leave Milton Keynes. I was so upset and misled that I couldn’t keep my relationship with my parents. I won’t date him. What did the rehab say regarding the effects of your childhood trauma? They did fantastic things.
They would really piece things together because I would question myself about things that went against my principles, who I am, or what I want to do. They may link a lot of things, like why I made them decisions. I used to like House pies. While you played football, we played football. House gatherings were like my mom’s house without me.
It was my comfort zone, so tiny things like that were natural. Where did you rehab? I spent five to six weeks in America and met some fantastic people. That’s possible for people from diverse backgrounds and occupations. No matter the trauma, your body reacts the same.
Opening out to someone will help even if you believe you’re alright. You realise that if it’s not an issue now, it could be later. Is it the biggest thing you learned out there, that you’re not alone and can share your vulnerabilities? 100? I guess we all think we’re so unique that no one else has our difficulties, but talk to a few folks in that situation and you’ll realise you have more in common than you thought.
It was one of the best squads. I can’t thank them enough, especially the therapists. Just the folks who were there in terms of where you’re at now, obviously you’re injured and you’ll go back into it as part of this process. You evidently think you can share your story and benefit others. Yes, footballers and others.
I think going over everything and breaking it down helped me comprehend my purpose. Why, what, and what I want? I know my pitch abilities. I think I’ve shown people what I can do on the pitch, so I’m feeling good again. I went to Tottenham because I wanted to fight and show myself.
I have that back, which I’ve missed for probably longer than I wanted to, but with the other side of it, I want to inspire people not only on the pitch but off the pitch in a way that I think is probably not spoken about enough from experience when you’ve been at your best in your life, you’ve had stability. I believe in mentors, such as your adopted family from 11 years ago. Obviously, you gave you a really stable teenage period and then obviously, when you’re at Spurs – and you admit the opotino as well you’re absolutely sensational – is that one of the factors with you daily that you need that sort of strong leadership around you in That sort of strong mentorship and when you don’t quite get that when it’s a little bit more unstable, do you feel like that’s had an impact on you? It affected me. Potch, perhaps.
The manager was amazing. I supported him and his squad, including Jesus, Miguel, and Tony. They’re wonderful and understanding, unlike a footballer-manager connection. It went deeper. I felt—just give me some examples of how he was with you, Maurizio.
He was extremely understanding of my decisions and guided me like he cared about me as a person before the football, which I needed at that time and think young players need. Travelling can be scary. I think he gave me the platform to express myself and be comfortable, so I never had to prove myself. Players always said I want to like that. No fear.
Not fearless. I was brave, yet afraid. You’re afraid, but you do it, and I think he let me do it. I think he helped a lot in that period of my career, which is why it was tough for me when he left, because then you come into new managers, and it was hard for me to let anyone in and be open, and I felt like everything was just so fake when people when managers would speak to me, because there’d always be something. What’s fake?
It’s hard to describe. It was probably my ego and head. You know, I wasn’t open to letting anyone in, and I didn’t feel like any of them wanted to really know me on a personal level, which made it hard for me to fully commit and give my all for them, which obviously had a negative impact on me in the long run. There’s an editorial in the documentary around you, which you’ll be aware of, where Jose Mourinho used words like lazy, and then obviously there was the sort of one-on-one that he had with you. If you appreciate exposure and being called lazy, how did you feel about that? I worked with you in England where wood wasn’t present.
At that time, you were box-to-box full of energy, get up and go attacking any scenario you were in, and I think you had a terrific lower league football upbringing. That you were hardened and tenacious. I was surprised when you were called lazy a few years later. Was that unhelpful and the start of your journey? Thanks for asking.
People love to mention that lazy comment. That interview. I visited Amazon. Lazy, he said. The day after recovery day a week later, he apologised to me for calling me lazy because he’d seen me train and play, but that wasn’t in the documentary. No one spoke up about that because for calling you lazy in the team meeting that Not in in the do you mean he called me lazy but then one-on-one.
I suppose it was on the pitch foreign, but I’m not lazy, so I didn’t think anything got me. That documentary made the word lazy stick to football players, which is horrible. It’s noteworthy that he didn’t apologise a week later. People can. I think, especially with social media and all these things, what you see isn’t always what it is.
People will try to exploit that to change their opinion of you. I’m sure externally, and I think other coaches, maybe for other reasons why I won’t play and they kept to that lazy one yeah, because it was easy to utilise, and the problem is probably more than that. Which veteran players looked after you at Tottenham? Yes, you’re 27.
I think that’s one of the spots where players can guide you back on track. Delhi should assist you. He shouldn’t. Did any players aid you, especially the scenic ones in the locker room? We’re a youthful team. We’re good friends with people we respect.
I hid what I was doing since I didn’t think they knew. I’m not Eric Dyer. He’s a terrific friend, right? Who are the non-sayers you know? Yes, they’re important to you and I’ll always love them.
Like Eric Harry and Sonny Ben, several players disapproved of my actions. They told me they’d inform you if they knew. Will they—especially Harry and Eric—be brutally honest? How would that talk go? Would they bring you to one side or do it in front of the other players? No. It was never in front of people or just be like what you’re doing like when you like to say you’ve been the newspaper for a story or something then or they’d heard you’ve been out or yeah or like they could just sometimes you could See it on my face, I think it’s hard to hide sometimes, and they definitely weren’t pleased, but I didn’t care, I couldn’t accept any help or anything from anyone you just ignoring every little bit.
I was so numb that when my adopted family cried in a room telling me how much they cared about me as a person, I didn’t care. I’m unhappy that it happened, but I’m proud that you’re sceptical of the media today. You’re my priority. I want to develop because I know I can play well. How do you hope your remarks will help others?
Will it help? England’s World Cup team includes a two-time apfa Young Player of the Year. Mitzi Opotino’s Tottenham team was amazing. Do you think you can return to that level now? Do you think the previous few weeks and months have given you an opportunity to flourish and be the player you were from 2015 to 2018?
I don’t want that day back. I want better. I’ve done well, but I want to be better. You can’t drive with your head in the rearview mirror or grasp onto the past. I’m excited about the journey from here, and I think you can tell how passionate I am about it. I’ve heard these things for the first time today, and I’m shocked, but I’m also inspired by what you’ve been through and where you are today.
You’ve done amazing things considering your first 10 years and all you went through. What’s next? How will today’s remarks affect others? I hope it helps. Will it help?
I’ll benefit. Like I said, people write anything and can word it, so I needed to explain and get it off my chest in a way I felt was true. They’ll choose headlines from this and write about whatever they want. Is it clickbait? They’ll utilise the headlines, and you distrust the media.
Aren’t you? Yes, even with England. I think I’m media. I obviously haven’t played. No, I’ve read so many tales about myself that it’s not true. You’ve been targeted.
I know. I probably hurt myself. I made it too easy for them. I’m indifferent. If I can help one person come out and alter their life or save their life, that’s all I need.
You say you don’t blame anyone, yet there is. You’ve been put in difficult situations and let down, how much do you think I should when you sit here today? I could have done better. How much? I could have been better guided.
I could have been guided, but until 12, I raised myself. I had no rules at seven. Old. Most folks have housetime. I could return anytime with a key.
If I’d had an actual adult responsible for that kid, and the term like just normal stuff like that, like I don’t blame my mum for that because, like I said, I didn’t understand her more and I never really did blame her in that sense, I always look at myself first, and I was trying to explain this to them at this place that I find it hard to blame anyone else for what I’ve done, because that’s just who I am. If I’m not playing well, I take responsibility like no one else will. I’ve already judged myself, but I don’t think you could like the blunders. I made. I’ve never criticised myself.
I’ve always considered myself fine. How did I learn? What I did wasn’t always the best, and it was hard for me, but I think from now on I’ll do what I’ve done during the past few months. I’ve made mistakes, but am I fixing them correctly? Is my best self my goal?
I’ll admit. I’m striving to help people and be the best footballer. I’m happy of who I am and I don’t blame anyone. I want to inspire youngsters and other people. I suppose many people made me tougher by giving me hard times. It braved me.
It made me stronger and helped me overcome obstacles I might have struggled with otherwise. I have many people to thank because they helped. Give me the drive to fight and prove them wrong. But I believe the major thing for me is: I want to prove myself right, because I know how wonderful I can be as a player and as a person, and it’s vital for me to win this struggle against myself and prove myself correct about all these things? Everton’s contract expires after 12 months.
How will the game view you now? I know you’re injured and won’t play for a few weeks, but are you thinking about playing? I always want to return to the first team immediately. If I come back, even if it’s before this year, I won’t be upset if we determine it’s not the ideal location for me. Have I ever told you that?
Yeah, me and the manager have had some good conversations, not so much about football at this point, because obviously, I’m still injured and stuff I’ve just had you know about where I’m at and stuff like that and I’ve got to say a big thanks to Him as well, I think for someone that didn’t really know me just this to be thrown on him and to be so understanding, and let me just understand, and we had a good conversation and he was supportive. He understood. Are you in his season plans? Did you get that far or was it more about the personal situation and making sure you were well right now? It’s just about getting back on the pitch and showing him what I can do and talking to her more about what I’ve done in rehab and how I’m feeling, which is a normal question for people to have, I think, so yeah, a lot of talk so far has been about that and then yeah. I just need to get fit.
I’m feeling okay, so I’ll play again in a few weeks. I’m eager for a big season and ready for any challenges. Have you discussed the last several months with any of your teammates in the dressing room? It was awkward, but I wasn’t sure if they knew where I was. When I returned, they had only started a few days earlier. Yeah.
I came in early because I was injured and had some wonderful chats with supportive, sympathetic, and joyful folks. Because they knew me. No matter what others believe. They didn’t know me, but they knew where my heart was. I met with some of my old teammates before I moved there, including those from Tottenham, to tell them where I was headed.
Why I went there: obviously we had some fantastic years together, and I assume they were probably wondering what’s going on as well. Hopefully, after this, they’ll understand a little more. I appreciate the support. Is there anything else you’d like to say? I’m shocked by what I’ve heard today. Having worked with you, is there anything additional you’d like to say, perhaps to reiterate that people don’t need to be afraid? Change is usually hard, and when something is uncomfortable and tough, you feel terrified and fearful.
But when you feel that way, you should jump since fear and change usually lead to good things. Hope my stories help. Look Delia. I don’t think you’ll ever realise how much you’ll benefit people by speaking about this, because you’ll have a huge impact on those listening. Your words will inspire others.
You’re amazing for sharing your vulnerabilities and seeking help. Today’s conversation. I truly appreciate your time and wish you the best. Thank you. Thank you.
Music, applause, foreign
